Refocus Your View

We live in a world that condemns singleness. There.  I said it.  We live in a world that condemns singleness.

It seems like every time I turn around someone is asking me when I'm going to "settle down" or who I'm dating.  Well, world...I have news for you--I'm single.  And it's okay.  I'm not ugly, I don't smell bad (or at least I don't think so...), there's absolutely nothing wrong with me.  I'm single, not because I don't have guys knocking each other over trying to get my attention, but because I choose to be single.

Contrary to what I'm sure my Mom is starting to believe--I'm 100% heterosexual.  I don't have some hatred/fear of being married.  I'm not bitter.  It's just that I enjoy my life, I really honestly do.

In I Corinthians Paul stated that it's a gift to be single. I'm afraid that most Christians (and non-Christians) don't truly understand what a gift it can be.  Single does not equal rejection.  Being single means that you can dedicate every waking second to getting to know Christ more.  He's my first and true love.  When I focus on Him, I don't need a man beside me.

I recently had a friend tell me (in the context of telling me I possessed a lot of qualities he looks for in a future wife)  "Although I wish I were content in my singleness, I am not.  I truly do believe that I could do more for the church and for my community, and/or at least be a more emotionally grounded, physically healthy, psychologically focused, and more functional person overall, if I had a life-partner.  Sometimes I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread, hoping to find someone before I waste away or implode from loneliness/disconnectedness/pointlessness."

Oh, the things I wish I could have said in that moment!  I'm going to state here what I wish I could have said to him--and to every Christian in the world who feels like that.

Years ago I used to help out at a homeless shelter.  We did a lot of street evangelism--I LOVED it!!  I made the mistake of telling my Mom about how awesome it was walking through the woods with a couple friends, then chilling on the ground talking with homeless people about God's love.

She totally freaked.  She made me promise never to go out by myself--whether it was running after dark (a favorite of mine), or evangelizing to total strangers.  I've always been big on keeping my promises, so after I moved I haven't gone street evangelizing to this day.  It isn't because I don't have a serious desire to do so, but I just haven't found anyone willing to go with me.  I still evangelize--just not to homeless people in the middle of the woods.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that many of the married men in my church would be willing to go trekking through the woods with me, but I don't think their wives would be comfortable coming along.  And I'm not comfortable going out with just them and myself--that's a fine line that I'm not willing to cross...or even go near.

I'm also confident that at least one of the single guys in the church would be more than happy to accompany me on a trip that could be skewed as a "date", but that's the problem.  He's not my type, and I don't want to encourage him.

If I was married, I'm sure I'd be able to drag my hubby out to the middle of the woods.  But there's SOOO much stuff I can do as a single person to serve God!  Why should I stay hung up on the one thing I can't do as a single person?  Focus on the things you CAN do.  As a single person I can drop everything at a moments notice to go help a fellow Christian friend in need.  I can have church gatherings at my house, I can make firm plans instantly because I don't need to run it by a husband.  I can relate to people that married people often can't relate with.  Most importantly, I can focus on Christ EVERY waking moment.  I just don't understand why people don't get that.  When you're married, your focus is split between your spouse and between God.  As my own boss, and as a grown adult, I could choose to quit my job and move to Africa for the sole purpose of preaching about God every second of my waking life.  Singleness is awesome--embrace it instead of fearing it. 

Point number two:

I would be lying to you if I said that I'm content 110% of the time.  I'm not.  Just a couple days ago I saw my brother with his fiance.  They're getting married this June.  When I see them together, sometimes I can't help but get jealous of the love they have for each other.  There's moments when I wish I had a husband to listen to me, or to hold me when I cry.  And I DEFINITELY wish I had a fix-it guy around my house.  Hammers, screw drivers, wrenches, and myself don't get along well.  Usually when I try to fix something I make the problem worse, then I end up calling my Dad to come fix it.

But if you're lonely ALL the time while you're single, getting married is NOT going to make it just disappear.  Instead of being lonely by yourself, you'll be lying beside someone at night and you'll both feel lonely.  I may not be able to speak from personal experience, but I have plenty of married friends who would attest to that.

Sometimes I feel like a broken record, but it needs to be said again---Focus on Christ.  He is your one and true love, and He's all you'll ever need.  Often when we feel lonely, we've started focusing on ourselves instead of on Him.

Point number three:

Contrary to what you may be led to believe, one day I would like to be married to my best friend.  One day I would like to experience that love my brother has for his fiance.  One day.  But for today, I'm content with being madly in love with my one and true love--Christ.  And until the day I find a guy who is just as crazy about God as I am that we don't notice each other until the day when we're serving Christ together, as two single people, and happen to bump into each other...I'm going to stay single. I'm going to embrace my singleness.  Because singleness is AWESOME, and if one day I do happen to get married I'm going to miss it.  I'm going to miss this precious gift that God is allowing me to have.  So for as long as He allows me to enjoy this gift, I'm going live life to the fullest.  I'm going to serve Him with all that I am, and I'm going to focus on Him during every moment I have left with this precious gift.

It's Saturday morning AGAIN? Ugh. God, when are you going to send the man of my dreams into my life? Then HE can take out this blasted trash every week. Gosh, this is such a man's job. Did I do something to upset you? Can't you work with me here? You know how much I HATE this job! This would be SO much easier if I had a man in my life. Sigh


　


I have to go to a wedding alone....again?! God, c'mon...work with me here. You know how much this whole thing hurts me. I feel so...empty. Why won't you give me the same happiness you just gave my best friend? Gah.




God, why don't you just take away my lust for other women?! Can't you just make the weather cold again so I'm not so tempted anymore. Honestly, I don't even understand why you made warm weather to begin with--you knew one day females would walk around half naked. Can't you just give me a wife to help fulfill my sexual desires?! I don't want to sin so much..God please... just give me a wife.



I suppose if you're reading this you either are single or you want to understand us singles better. I pray that this blog will help answer the big questions all singles ask--how do I be single and content? What does that look like? If God is calling me to a life of singleness, will I be looked on as a reject, or as an opportunity for would-be matchmakers in the church? What about sexual temptation? What purpose could my singleness fulfill? Does God really call people to a life of singleness, or is it due to a flaw? Am I a left-over or second best?

While I was doing research on the topic, I walked up and down multiple Christian book stores. I read every title, of every book, in every store I came across. What I found greatly disturbed me. Instead of finding books on how to be single and content, there were books on "how to find Mr. Right, not Mr. Wrong", "how to prepare yourself while you're single for the rest of your life with your husband", "How to attract the man of your dreams". Books like those imply that as a single person I'm half a cookie and that all of my problems will be fixed once I get married.

I already felt rejected, incomplete, ugly, and inferior to married people. I didn't want to subject myself to a book telling me that ultimate fulfillment comes from marriage, and that my singleness is a disease that could be fixed. I wanted to find out biblically what singleness means, and biblically how I could fill this feeling of emptiness and loneliness that I felt so often.

But that's all I was finding--was books that were reinforcing those negative thoughts. And I wasn't just finding it in the bookstore--I was finding it with my family, my Christian friends, and from single church groups in the area. It felt like every time I turned around someone was asking me when I was going to settle down, or telling me "Oh, that's okay honey. You're still young. You have time to find a guy".

The philosophy being sold to singles today, not just by the church but also by family and friends, is that you're nobody until somebody loves you. We're led to believe that all of your current problems--loneliness, emotional instability, lack of purpose/direction, sexual frustrations--will all be fixed once we get married. Our singleness is treated like a disease that not only can be fixed, but one that needs to be fixed.

Because singles have bought into this idea, we place all of our dreams and aspirations in the hope that tomorrow brings. We aren't able to find purpose or meaning in the situations and people we come in contact with every day. Our life becomes stale and unfulfilling, relationships with friends lack a certain depth and care because real involvement is resolved for a fantasy relationship down the road. Church activity grinds to a halt, except for those which we might "him"/"her".

This is NOT the way God designed singleness to be. Instead of us sitting around moaning about our loneliness, he has given us a precious gift of being able to commit 100% to knowing Him and responding to His call.

We are not half a cookie, missing our better half. Instead, in Christ we have been made complete (Col 2:10). Today, right this moment, you have the ability to serve God. He has given you talents and skills that He wants you to use to share the gospel. Don't let the philosophy of the world slow you down as you continue to lean on Him. Live for God with all that you are. Right here, right now. Do it!

Throughout the rest of this blog, I will tackle these hard questions that we ask ourselves. As the blog continues, please feel free to email me any additional questions, or comments that you have. I pray that together, in Christ, we can become single and content.